**At 18, I was forced to give up my newborn son. For 31 years, I searched for him. Then the surgeon who saved my life wore the cross I had tucked into his blanket, and the story I had been told began to unravel.**<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was 18 when I told my parents I was pregnant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My mother dropped the dish towel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My father shoved his chair back so hard it struck the wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWho knocked you up?\u201d he yelled. \u201cGive me his name. When I get my hands on him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo! I\u2019m not telling you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The words were out before I thought them through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d never defied my parents so openly before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom shook her finger at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDon\u2019t speak to your father that way. After everything we\u2019ve done for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGive me his name.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou tell me his name, now.\u201d Dad braced his palms against the table and loomed over me. \u201cI\u2019m going to speak to his parents myself and sort this mess out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They were calling my baby a mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I put my hand over my stomach. \u201cI\u2019m keeping my baby.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou have no money,\u201d Dad said. \u201cNo home except this one. Remember that before you start making demands.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m keeping my baby.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad was wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had Daniel, my baby\u2019s father.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I\u2019d told him I was pregnant last week, he\u2019d been concerned first, then ecstatic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He held me close and lifted me off my feet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to be a dad!\u201d he crowed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We\u2019d talked for hours and eventually made a plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe rent something small,\u201d he\u2019d said. \u201cOne bedroom. I\u2019ll paint it yellow.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat if I hate yellow?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThen you choose. I\u2019ll still paint it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d laughed and leaned against him. \u201cYour parents won\u2019t like it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNeither will yours. But they won\u2019t be paying the rent.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He\u2019d pressed his hand over mine on my stomach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ll come for both of you. I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad sent me to my room when he finally realized I wasn\u2019t going to tell him who the baby\u2019s father was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I waited a few minutes, then slipped out the window to see Daniel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel hadn\u2019t been around lately, but I needed him to know what had just happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hurried to his house, then froze on the sidewalk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was a for-sale sign on his lawn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I knocked, walked around the side, and peered through a window.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The sofa where we\u2019d sat together was gone. So were the curtains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A neighbor was watering her roses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey moved,\u201d she said. \u201cDidn\u2019t leave an address, hon.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThree days ago.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stayed on the step after she went inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel knew about the baby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whatever he\u2019d decided about me, how could he leave without explaining?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I tried calling, but the number was disconnected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After that, I had nowhere else to call. I couldn\u2019t ask my parents to help find him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Suddenly, the baby and I were all alone against my parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I began searching for a job and a cheap room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I called about a room above a laundromat. The woman sounded kind until I mentioned the baby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I crossed it off and worked out what the next listing would cost. My savings wouldn\u2019t cover the deposit and the first month\u2019s rent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat won\u2019t cover a roof and diapers,\u201d my father said, glancing at my figures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I turned the paper over and kept calculating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I needed to find a way to make this work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then my parents changed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom came to an appointment and held my hand during the scan. Dad stopped interrupting whenever I mentioned the baby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One night, they sat me at the kitchen table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll figure this out,\u201d Mom said. \u201cYou won\u2019t have to do it alone.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll help you,\u201d Dad added.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou mean I can bring him home?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I cried before I could ask anything else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had spent weeks counting money that wasn\u2019t enough. Now, somebody was saying we could manage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I found part-time work at a bakery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom cleared a drawer for the baby\u2019s clothes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad asked whether we needed a crib.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At night, I taught myself to crochet from a library book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The first bootie came out crooked. I undid it and tried again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When Mom helped fold a tiny shirt, I moved aside to make room for her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wanted this new version of us to last so badly that I never questioned it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I chose the name. Fabian.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At night, I whispered it to my belly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFabian. Hi, Fabian.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I no longer thought about Daniel. He\u2019d clearly changed his mind and abandoned us both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian was born a few weeks after I finally finished a passable pair of booties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He was warm and furious and perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When the nurse placed him against me, I forgot to be frightened. I loved him so much!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before the nurse took him for his checkup, I tucked my grandmother\u2019s silver cross into his blanket.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One arm of the cross had a tiny nick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo you\u2019ll always have something from me,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was a routine checkup.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I settled back against the pillow and listened for the wheels of his bassinet returning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead, my parents came in with a folder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAdoption papers,\u201d Dad said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d I laughed because it made no sense. \u201cYou promised to help me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThis is the help,\u201d Mom said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stared at them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2026 you never really changed your minds, did you? It was a trick.\u201d I bit my lip as tears sprang to my eyes. \u201cI\u2019m not signing anything.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad placed the folder on my lap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSign them or don\u2019t come home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked at Mom. \u201cYou cleared his drawer. We folded his clothes together.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou need to think about your future.\u201d She pointed at the papers. \u201cSign them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI did. That\u2019s what I\u2019ve been doing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSign them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I clenched my fingers around the hospital bed sheet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My heart was breaking, but for one stupid moment, I glanced at the door, hoping Daniel would return to save us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But he was long gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGive me a month,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019ll work. I\u2019ll pay you something.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAnd who watches the baby?\u201d Mom asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPlease. Just until I can arrange something.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad shook his head and held out the pen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou sign, or you\u2019re out on the street.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I signed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My name barely looked like mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyone reading it would think I\u2019d wanted to, and I couldn\u2019t bear that thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Later, Mom said Fabian had gone to an adoptive family. She wouldn\u2019t tell me where.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nobody had even taken a photograph of me holding him. It was like he never existed at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I went home to the empty drawer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The booties were still in my hospital bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I put one in my purse and left the other beside his clothes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As soon as I could, I left home and started searching for my baby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I contacted agencies, searched records, and hired investigators. One couldn\u2019t match the papers to any placement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For 31 years, I kept trying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My parents never changed their story, and eventually, I stopped talking to them altogether.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian\u2019s bootie traveled from purse to purse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once, a bottle of nail polish broke in my purse and almost ruined it. I kept it in a little plastic bag after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some days, I held it before answering a call about another possible lead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then, at 49, I collapsed at work with terrible stomach pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was rushed into emergency surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next afternoon, my surgeon checked on me. As he leaned over my chart, a silver cross slipped from his collar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I saw the nick on one arm, and my heart monitor started bleeping madly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The doctor frowned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAre you okay, ma\u2019am?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pointed at the cross. \u201cWhere did you get that? I put that cross in my son\u2019s blanket the day he was born.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His hand went to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDid they ever tell you what really happened to him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey said he\u2019d been adopted.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He pulled the chair closer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI was that baby. My father raised me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDaniel!?\u201d I struggled to sit upright. \u201cHow is that possible? He abandoned us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His eyebrows lifted, and he leaned back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe\u2019s not the parent who left me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those words cut deep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI never had a choice. I don\u2019t know what Daniel told you, but he was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian shook his head. \u201cYou signed papers giving me up. What\u2019s there to be wrong about?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMy father said I couldn\u2019t come home with you. I\u2019d just given birth. I had nowhere to go.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I waited for the question I\u2019d asked myself for years: why hadn\u2019t I refused anyway?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian nodded thoughtfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe I could still prove to him that I was telling the truth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI searched for you,\u201d I said. \u201cI thought they\u2019d changed your name. I didn\u2019t know your father had you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian stood abruptly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNone of this makes sense. I need to step outside, make a call\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWait! Pass me my purse, please?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He fetched it from the cupboard, then stepped into the hall, already dialing on his phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I rummaged through my things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The paperwork I\u2019d accumulated over years of searching was at home, useless to me now, but I had one thing I could show him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I found the plastic bag containing the bootie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It looked terrible\u2026 the yarn was faded and fraying, bright red nail polish covered the heel, and it had collected a few other stains over the years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d been afraid to wash it thoroughly in case the whole thing came apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I folded it between my hands and started crying. How could I offer him this stained old bootie as proof of my love?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel had fed him, taken him to school, and sat beside him when he was sick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d carried a bootie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian returned then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat is that?\u201d Fabian asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSomething I made before you were born. I wasn\u2019t very good.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I held out my hands with the bootie in my palms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He lifted the plastic bag and stared at the contents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou kept it with you all this time?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A look crossed his face that I couldn\u2019t decipher. He swallowed hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then someone knocked on my door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian answered it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m glad you could come,\u201d he said. \u201cYou really need to hear this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He stepped aside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An older man entered the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Decades had passed since I last saw him, but I recognized him instantly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou! You came back all those years ago, took our son, and left me behind?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel looked at me, then at the bootie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His hand tightened on the doorframe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI came for both of you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThen why did you disappear in the first place? Not even a note. I thought you\u2019d abandoned us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI told my parents about the pregnancy and our plan. They moved us out of state so you and the baby wouldn\u2019t \u2018ruin my life.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He glanced at Fabian.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019d already saved most of the deposit. Once I had enough for the room, I moved out and came back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou should have come to me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI tried, then your parents told me you called our son a mistake.\u201d His expression hardened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey said you wanted to forget all of it. Me too,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI never said that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey showed me the papers! Your signature. They said I could take responsibility for him or the adoption would go ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou knew what my parents were like,\u201d I said. \u201cWhy would you believe them?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel opened his mouth, then closed it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI was too frightened to even tell them your name. You knew what we were planning. And you let them speak for me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI thought you must have changed your mind. Your signature was there. I was scared they\u2019d send him away before I could stop it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo you took him. I understand taking him. But after that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He looked at the floor. \u201cI should have come back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI was waiting for you. Even after they said he\u2019d gone, I thought you might come and help me find him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He covered his mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had spent too many years imagining that conversation to make it easier for him now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI believed you\u2019d rejected us,\u201d he said. \u201cI was hurt, and raising him was hard. I let that become my reason not to ask again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey threatened to make me homeless. After helping me prepare his clothes. After promising I could bring him home.\u201d The tears came too fast to stop them. \u201cThey tricked me into trusting them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel sat when his knees caught the chair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI wanted him,\u201d I said. \u201cI searched for him. Whatever you thought of me, you should have let me tell you that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel looked at our son. \u201cI hear you now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The signature I\u2019d hated for 31 years had convinced him I\u2019d chosen this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My parents had made the threat, then hidden it from everybody who mattered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I put the bootie in Fabian\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou were never a mistake. Not for one minute.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNeither was bringing you home,\u201d Daniel said to him. \u201cBut I was wrong about your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fabian crouched beside my bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I reached for him, he put his arms around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I held the son I\u2019d last held as a newborn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to call me anything,\u201d I said. \u201cI don\u2019t expect you to feel what I feel yet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He squeezed my fingers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCould we start with you staying in touch after you leave here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYes,\u201d I said, before he finished asking. \u201cWe can do that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel waited until we drew apart. \u201cCan you ever forgive me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know yet. But you can stay. Tell me what he was like.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A few weeks later, they came for soup.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel brought photographs. Fabian showed me a gap-toothed boy holding his first fish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDad claims he caught it. I did.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI held the net,\u201d Daniel said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked from the photograph to my son\u2019s face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There would be other questions, and anger I hadn\u2019t finished with. But they were here to answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat happened next?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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