Thirty-five thousand feet up, a young woman stood in the aisle with one hand stuck to her own head and murder on her mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She was pointing at me with the other one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every head in the cabin turned my way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But two hours earlier, nothing in the world could have led to this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two hours earlier, I was standing in a duty-free line with a little present for my granddaughter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The line was crawling. The reason stood right in front of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She was maybe twenty-eight, with blonde hair down to the back of her knees and a phone held at arm’s length.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The case said BRITTANY in rhinestones, in case she forgot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Okay, guys, help me choose. This one or this one?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She held two perfume bottles up to the screen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ma’am, should I ring those up?” the cashier asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“One sec, my chat is deciding.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Honey, at my age, \u2018one second\u2019 better come with a chair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know! They’re both gorgeous. Maybe I’ll just take both.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cashier read out the total. She blinked at it for half a second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then she smiled at the phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Beauty is an investment, right?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She paid. Then she grabbed a tester and sprayed her neck, her wrists and, for good measure, her hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cloud reached me a moment later. I coughed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Excuse me, dear. That’s quite a strong perfume.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It’s French.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I don’t think the French intended us to taste it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cashier made a noise like a kettle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Guys, apparently my perfume is offending people now,” she told her screen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She flipped her hair over her shoulder. It hit me squarely across the face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Careful, sweetheart. Your hair just hit me.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Then don’t stand so close.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m standing in line.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Personal space is still a thing.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stepped back. She whipped her head around again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This time it caught my hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Does it always need that much room?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Your hair.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It’s called volume.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I see. I thought Cousin Itt had finally found a conditioner.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cashier lost it completely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Whatever. Some people just can’t appreciate good hair.” At the door she turned. “Maybe you’re just jealous.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Of the perfume? Not particularly.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She left. The smell stayed behind like a guest who hadn’t noticed the party was over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cashier scanned my present. “Lucky granddaughter.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“She’d better think so. I’m told it’s the only thing she wants from me.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I zipped it into my purse and went to find my gate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was certain of two things. I’d never see that girl again, and the present would reach Emily in one piece.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was wrong about both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My row was near the back. I got there at the same time as the perfume.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Heavy. Sweet. French.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Okay, guys, finally boarding! Let me show you my seat!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An older gentleman in my row was heaving his bag toward the overhead bin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The blonde stopped one row ahead and spun around to show her followers the cabin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her hair spun with her, half a second late.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It caught him across the face. His glasses went one way. His bag went the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I caught the bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Thank you.” He retrieved his glasses. “I believe I’ve just been assaulted by a shampoo commercial.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I believe you have.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Should I file a report?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It would be a long form. There’s a lot of surface area.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He smiled. “Harold.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Martha.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Martha, I do hope she isn’t sitting near us.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She sat down directly in front of my seat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course she did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Oh my God. Not you again.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What a small world.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Are you following me?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“No, dear. Your perfume arrived first.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When the seat belt sign went off, she stood up in the aisle with the phone held behind her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Okay, guys, you asked for the back view.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Eight hundred dollars, guys. Look at that length. Worth every penny.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She turned slowly, like a rotisserie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then she sat down and flung the whole thing back over her seat like laundry on a line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It landed on my tray table, down my armrest and, one strand at a time, across my forehead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Excuse me. Would you mind moving your hair?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Not now. I’m live.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m sure your viewers are impressed. I’d be more impressed if it stayed on your side.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Oh my God. It’s hair.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Harold leaned in. “Eight hundred dollars. I paid less for my first car.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Did it come with a steering wheel?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Eventually.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I laughed. It helped, for a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But an hour later, I was ready to launch myself into orbit from sheer rage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Seriously, why are you so obsessed with my hair?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m not obsessed. I’m simply sitting behind it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You’re jealous. When was the last time you had hair like this? Fifty years ago?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My hair is short and silver now, and I don’t miss the old kind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I raised three children and buried a husband, and I’m not apologizing for a single year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Actually, I had rather lovely hair during the Reagan administration.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She laughed. “See? Ancient history.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then the lunch cart arrived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The flight attendant’s badge said Kelly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Brittany flung her hair back to take a selfie with her tray, and the ends went straight into my rice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Excuse me! Your hair is in my lunch.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She didn’t even turn. “Then don’t eat it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I wasn’t planning to.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Problem solved.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Not quite. I would like to eat the rest of it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Lady, you’re making a huge deal out of nothing.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou wouldn’t happen to have my fork up there, would you? It seems to have disappeared.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Across the aisle, a teenage boy snorted. His mother pinched him. Her own mouth was twitching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pressed the call button. Kelly took away my tray and asked Brittany to keep her hair on her side.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Fine! Whatever!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly left. Brittany turned to her phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Guys, apparently I’m not allowed to have hair on this plane.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then she flung it straight back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Oops.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My replacement lunch arrived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I ate in peace for exactly two minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don’t like flying, and I’d ordered a small glass of white wine for my nerves. When the plane shook, I held it with both hands like a chalice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then the hair went in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not near it. In. The ends swirled in my wine like a paintbrush in a jar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Oh, for heaven’s sake.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What now?!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Your hair is in my wine.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at your age anyway.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I beg your pardon?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She lifted the phone over the seat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Guys, she’s giving me the angry grandma look!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Would you please take that thing out of my face?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Relax. I have eleven hundred people watching. You’re, like, a sidebar.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Shall I call Kelly again?” Harold asked quietly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked at the wine I no longer wanted to touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“No, Harold. I think I’ve had enough.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I reached under the seat for my bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Brittany kept streaming .<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I took a hundred-dollar bill from my wallet and let it flutter down beside Brittany\u2019s feet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Sweetheart? I think you dropped something.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She looked down, folded forward, snatched up the bill and stuffed it in her purse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGuess you\u2019re not completely blind after all. Thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course she took it. In her world, everything that fell near her was hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the hair was long enough to be in two places at once. The rest of her went down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The hair stayed draped over her seat, the ends heaped on my tray.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I opened the present.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I took a generous handful. I worked it into the ends, then twenty inches up the length for good measure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’d meant to leave a small reminder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Remind me never to get on your bad side,” Harold murmured.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Then keep your hair to yourself.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“At my age, that’s not difficult.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Brittany sat up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The boy across the aisle saw it first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Mom! Look!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Don’t stare.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“But there’s something in her hair!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What? What are you all looking at?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nobody answered. The boy had both hands over his mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She flipped her phone around to use it as a mirror.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The stream was still live, so eleven hundred people got the view with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pink. Glittering. Sitting on her shoulder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“WHAT IS THAT?!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She poked it. Her finger came away connected to it by a thread.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“IS THAT SLIME?!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Slime, sweetheart. It was meant for my granddaughter. You’re an early adopter.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“YOU PUT SLIME IN MY HAIR?!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Your hair was in my lunch. I thought we were exchanging things.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“THESE EXTENSIONS COST EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Yes, dear. You’ve mentioned that. I’d keep my hands away from it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The slime didn’t tear. It stretched, a long glittering rope from her head to her hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her acrylic nails sank in like forks into spaghetti.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When she pulled free, pink slime stretched between her fingers like melted cheese.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She wiped it on her jeans, then the armrest, leaving some on both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She shook her head, and a sticky strand slapped her cheek and stayed there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I felt like I\u2019d taught her a lesson, but I had no idea what it might cost me once we landed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She grabbed at it with the hand holding the phone. The phone stuck to her palm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Mom, she’s making cotton candy!” the boy shouted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His mother tried to shush him. She was laughing too hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“YOU OLD WITCH! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly came hurrying down the aisle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ma’am, please sit down!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I WANT OFF THIS PLANE!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ma’am, we’re at thirty-five thousand feet.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I DON’T CARE! LOOK AT MY HAIR!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And that brings us back to the screaming. One woman, one cabin, and my crime on her head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly got her into her seat. The phone was still glued to Brittany’s palm, screen out, pointed at her own face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Somebody turn it off! The stream! I can’t, my fingers are stuck!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Hold still.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I took the phone by its edges with a napkin, found the red button and pressed it. It took three tries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The screen was slimy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I couldn’t help seeing the last screenful before it went dark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
LMAOOO<\/p>\n\n\n\n
somebody get her some oil<\/p>\n\n\n\n
why is nobody helping her<\/p>\n\n\n\n
bro she literally threw her hair in grandma’s lunch for an HOUR<\/p>\n\n\n\n
grandma is my hero ngl<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What are they saying?” Brittany asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“They’re worried about your hair.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Really?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Mostly.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly crouched beside my seat. “Ma’am. Did you do this?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’d had my childish fun. Now it was time to act my age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I did. I’ll fix it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“There’s an empty seat next to her. Please fix it quietly.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Big trouble was probably waiting for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Harold passed my salad over the seat back and held out the little bottle of olive oil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why would I let you touch my hair again?” Brittany said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because I know how to get this out. And I promise not to put any more in.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I tested one strand. A drop of oil, a patient thumb, and the slime let go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Don’t touch the clips,” Brittany said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I raised three children, and one of them had a gum problem. This was easier than gum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly came back, bending low.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ma’am, would you like the police to meet the aircraft when we land?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Yes!” Brittany snapped. “Absolutely!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly looked at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I understand,” I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I didn\u2019t expect that this brazen blonde would manage to surprise me even more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’ll need to document what happened,” Kelly said. “I’ll check back with you before we land.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She left.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“My extensions cost almost everything I had left this month.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Then why spend it?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because I wanted to look good.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You already did.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You don’t get it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Try me.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Everyone online looks perfect. Perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect everything.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“And you think buying all that will make you happy?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I don’t know. Maybe.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That’s an expensive maybe.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I couldn’t afford the perfume either. I’m twenty-eight. I already feel old.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Oh, sweetheart. You’re talking to a seventy-three-year-old.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“And I’m having a perfectly lovely time. Apart from this flight.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She almost smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I didn’t lecture her. Hands are better than speeches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Your hands look like my grandma’s.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Is that a compliment?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Yeah. She used to braid my hair when I was little.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Does she still?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“No. She passed a few years ago.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I picked up three clean strands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Well, I haven’t forgotten how.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The slime was gone. What was left was a very oily, perfectly intact head of extensions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I braided it into one plain braid, so nothing could catch on the seat again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“So it’s not ruined?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It’s a salad. Wash it twice and you’ll be fine.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I haven’t worn a braid in years.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It suits you. You’re a pretty girl, Brittany. You don’t need eight hundred dollars of upgrades to prove it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m sorry I kept throwing my hair at you. And for what I said about your age.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That was rather rude.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I tied off the braid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“And I’m sorry I put slime in your hair.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Yeah. That was pretty mean.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It was.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Brittany looked at her braid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Thank you for fixing it, though.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly returned a few minutes later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ma’am, about the police. Do you still want us to request that they meet the aircraft?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Brittany hesitated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“No. I changed my mind.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kelly nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After she left, I turned to Brittany.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why did you change your mind?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because I know what the video looks like,” she mumbled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What does it look like?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Like I had it coming.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’d have put it more kindly. But I wouldn’t have put it differently.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She gave a small laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I didn\u2019t know whether I should tell her the rest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“And, sweetheart, I believe you picked up something of mine.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“A hundred dollars.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That was YOUR money? I thought it was mine!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Of course you were, dear.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pretended to believe her. It was the kindest thing I could do for both of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She dug out the bill and handed it over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Apology accepted.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I went back to my seat. Harold had kept it warm, or at least unoccupied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Would you like to get coffee when we land?” he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Are you always this forward with women on airplanes?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Only the dangerous ones.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The captain announced our descent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Emily would get a check instead. We’d buy a replacement together that weekend.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Thirty-five thousand feet up, a young woman stood in the aisle with one hand stuck to her own head and murder on her mind. She was pointing… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":173,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8189","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8189"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8189\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8190,"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8189\/revisions\/8190"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/173"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bzerbros.fun\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}